The Hidden Impact of Law Enforcement Stories of Survival and Recovery

So let's talk about suicide. Okay? Because that's the thing that gets me fired up in schools. As everybody's talking about active shooters, let's talk about suicide. Okay, suicides of the children, suicide of anybody. K. Okay. Let me ask you. You said earlier two times you had held a pistol to your mouth. Was there anybody in your life that knew that something wasn't wrong? If you go back and ask them now, If those points in your life, would they say that your behavior was either erratic, or maybe you had become depressive or reclusive. All of those indications that some you maybe were not who you usually were. Would you say, is that fair to say? No. That's fair to say, and I don't know if I exhibited any traits visually. Verbal or non verbal. Yeah. I don't think that I ever it wasn't until after. Let me let me go back. I I I will correct that. The ME job was starting to wear on me. A year before I was retiring. Okay? You know, I have that was my time my my father died. Yeah. And you were the ME on that Yeah. In fact, I actually kept the job a year after I retired. Yeah. I take Ambient to go to sleep. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's I think it's one of the best things that they could have made because it shuts this down. Yeah. I I I can't I I used to see faces Mhmm. Or it's crime scenes, you know, and then I would try to block it out. I would pray about it. Yeah. I would do everything I could. And then, of course, I got on Ambient and I lay there and try to go to sleep. You know, next thing I know I'm done and and I wake up the next morning. We were trained to put that in another compartment. Yeah. You know, you probably too. Yeah. But that's not right. Yeah. But but then when things slow down, and they become quiet. Let's debrief or get talk about it. Yeah. Not very much of that happens. No. Now there'll be a debrief. Sometimes we did debriefs after a search warrant, you know, like, okay. What did we do wrong? Especially when we were starting out. With the unit. You know, you learn from your mistakes. Yeah. So let's debrief and see what we did wrong, what we did right. But in terms of now I would ask certain people because I only had five people under me. Hi. You know, how how are you? You know, how you how you doing? Yeah. Everything good? Yeah. But those of us in these positions, even like myself, we never from the outside, everybody thinks we have it together. Yeah. Right? Because we're checking on those. Oh, we display that. We display it. We're checking on them, but nobody's checking on us. Uh-uh. Right? Nobody's checking on us. We all do a very good job of checking on someone else. Mhmm. That's true. Right? That's true. But those of us who need it most, like yourself, with forty three years of trauma, people see us our hard exterior and they think that we got it under control. And that that could not be further from the truth. That's that's very true. I I in two thousand and nineteen was my spiral. You know, all of the things, all of the trauma from my past, even back to childhood, it started coming back to me. And it was always, you know, and then the the Secret Service, the National Threat Assessment Center will tell you that there's always a triggering event for you, it was your your your retirement and the loss of feeling like you belong somewhere. Yes. For me, it was that no longer feeling like I'm serving in a greater capacity. Feeling like I was being attacked for who I was, the death of my father. And that's what was my spiral decline. And what was hard for me was that here I am traveling around the United States teaching in in preaching about the necessity of understanding human behavior and behavioral threat assessment and that being the foundational piece to preventing violence yet I'm experiencing, and I'm I'm self diagnosed. I'm not a doctor by any means, but I'm not an idiot. I've been in this game a long time. I know I know this. I started self diagnosing myself going, I'm starting to see the same behaviors in myself that I'm teaching other people that they need to be looking for in others so that they can prevent them from her, you know, harming themselves by committing suicide or harming someone else. And, you know, let's let's talk about Brent Cooley for a minute. You know? Brent was involved in the Santa Fe shooting. You were the medical examiner on that case, and I wanna get into that here in just a little bit. But This is where I say that and listen, I'm not I don't wanna point fingers at the Galveston County Sheriff department. No. I understand. Because this is This is this is systemic. Right? This is systemic throughout the United States. Yes. Brett goes and responds to an active shooting at Santa Fe High School where ten people are deceased. He negotiates with and talks down the shooter. He's then in the same room with, you know, ten deceased children, some very gruesome murders that you as a medical examiner know well aware or you're well aware of. This could this at that time was the worst day of his career. Do you know where he went after that? Where he went to work on the beach. Yeah? Sounds about right. He went to work on the beach. He just got engaged in an active shooting. He negotiated with a person who just committed ten murders. Took that person into custody, and then he goes to work. No one thought, hey, we should probably pull that guy out for a little while. The supervision or or administration What's the word I wanna use? Failed. Failed. That's that's I mean, let's just say what it is. Yeah. They failed. You know, and this is and you know, I'm we had to do that on our own. Let me Let me comment on that. That's I'm glad you brought that up because look. Old school gotta be tough, you know, Yeah. Hide everything. But I had a couple of guys that worked under me that I have a lot of respect for. And One of them was going to this debrief. They were bringing in this group from Georgia. Mhmm. And I said, Hey, give me the number of the part your contact. I I would like to attend. Now, Yeah. I'm I'm I'm submitting myself to this because I'm realizing now this is I'm lost. You know, this is a couple of days after I retired. I'm lost. They should after any incident, they should at least offer You know how some of the cops are though. Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm good not fine until eight months later. Well, I don't think that we need to make that determination. I think there should be a policy in place with every agency that you must. Yeah. It's not that you're gonna miss work and you're not gonna lose pay. It can't be an option. No. You're right. It it has to be a must. And, you know, if if any legislators are out there listening, I know that we have a very good Senator here that we work with, and we talk to Senator Mae's Middleton, Senator Brandon Crayton. There's so many other senators that I work with if you're listening, these are the things that we we wanna talk about from from the lens and from the view of a police officer. These are some of the changes that we have to make. You wanna write effective law? Let's start with this one. K? This this can't be an option. It's a must. If you're involved in a critical incident, let's name it, whatever, you know, murder, suicide, you know, some type of traumatic event, suicide by cops, suicide by cops. Some you must seek x amount of mental health therapy. Yeah. You could sit there and not listen to a single thing that's said. You cannot participate if you don't wanna participate, but you will go. As a condition. Right? Yeah. And and and I think that comment you made about, you know, you don't you might not have to pay attention. I think you would agree that anybody that went to one, two, or three sessions of counseling. And they might have that attitude of, I'm fine. You know, something's gonna hit Yes. About something that is said that's gonna key something. Yep. And maybe they will finally break down and give or talk about what they need to. We need to talk about it. People we I'm what has helped me is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Yeah. And the fact that now I can talk to somebody And none of them are in law enforcement Yeah. But just to talk. Right. You know? It's like my wife. No, Mike. I have no idea what it's like to shoot somebody. I really don't. You know? I feel for you to set the other. But at least I'm and these things are surfacing now. Since I've been retired, more and more and more. And I've I've wondered how can I go to heaven? How can I go to heaven for some of the things that I did? And it wasn't violation of the law. Right. It's just, you know, for god and country. Right. I think a lot of people I bait beat myself and I and I think that that's that's, you know because you know, and I we both we went to the same church for a while. We participated in, or those skits, the the drama team? Like, drama team. Right? And and we would talk about these particular types of things. And I think that there's this this apprehension amongst men like us. Yes. There's a there's a the perception is that we're weak. And I tell people this all the time is that acknowledging that something is not right and that you can't handle what's bothering you by yourself? That's the first step is the acknowledgement. Right? The recognition that you have a problem. That's right. It's recognizing that you have a problem. And then also understanding that you have options. Mhmm. Right? There's a lot of people that I don't wanna talk to. Like, you're you're right. When I first went to see my therapist, I sat there And, I went at the recommendation of my doctor because, you know, like he said, he's Oh, I mean, he told The federal government doesn't even do that? No. Mm-mm. And and and Where's my tax dollars going? Oh, shit. I don't know. Ukraine? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. But it was and like I said, my issue wasn't any one particular incident right, accumulation. Not necessarily job related. It was just accumulation of life. Stress, always feeling you know, anxious. You know, the death of my father it it was a lot of stuff. And my doctor, you know, he was concerned that if I popped off, You know, it was gonna be a problem. Right? And I knew that it would be a problem. And it was him who told me this is my doctor. He told me himself. Listen. It's it's okay. Like, it is okay It doesn't make you any less of a man. It makes you a stronger man to acknowledge that you can't do it all by your self. That's right. And he told me flat out. I had to go. Me, your doctor, I had to go myself and speak to someone. And I took a deep breath. It was like, whew. Okay. Well, if this guy is saying that he can go and he treats people like me every day, why can't I go? Because what I was doing was self destructive. And I knew that if I didn't get intervention, that I was going to self destruct in everything that I had worked for. All the credibility that I thought I might have had, and maybe I have. I don't know, would be gone. And for what? Because I wasn't willing and had enough courage to lean on my faith and just put something in the hands of something far greater than I or you or anybody. And that was that was god. Mhmm. You know? And I just surrendered and said, okay. I don't know everything. I need help, and I went, and it was the best thing that I ever did. And I'm glad you did. You know, you you caught talking about this for just a minute. My dad, World War two vet, Korean, he was a lifer in the army. My sisters and I were talking. Mhmm. About a by a year ago, just caused casual conversation. And one of the sisters asked, do you remember dad getting on the floor and playing with us or telling us he loved us? And both my other sister and I said, no. Well, my dad suffered, which was not a label at the time, but he suffered from PTSD from the war. Yeah. You know? And those are the things that he did not do. My dad was a great man. I love him. He's in heaven, and and I know they're they're good. But He was affected. You know, I'd sit there as a kid, you know, and my dad would love being in the military, but it's It's like, dad, you know, do you ever kill anybody in war, you know, and stuff like that? He would say, unfortunately, yes. Well, how many? I don't know. Maybe one. He was just gonna try to shut me up. Right. I think the point I'm trying to make is This has been around for years. My dad eventually at the end of his life got back into his Catholicism. He was a he's an Irish Catholic. And my dad was a totally different person when he finally released surrendered. That's it. And I'm telling you he was a different man. And then unfortunately, you know, within three years after that, he passed. But, you know, I wanted to tell you this. I don't I really don't talk about it a lot, but you talk about trauma. Take a deep breath and decompress. Where is the compassion in law enforcement? Where is it? I don't think it exists at that level. I don't think it exists either. In fact, you know, I've told several people that have worked under me or I've worked with them and they get promoted whatever, and I always tell them, don't ever forget where you come from. Yeah. Don't forget that you used to be one of us, you know, when you get up there. And you're right. I think admin after a period of time. Some some, the majority, yeah, would not come in question or check and see how you're doing or anything like that. I think after it you're right. After every incident. It should be policy, whether it's the agent. Well, it has to be the agency. But it there's gotta be something to where after any critical incident The people that were involved need to be debriefed. Yeah. And they need to get to counseling. The the the departments, it it mean, Galveston County has a lot of money. They've got all these chemical plans. And cruise terminals. Yes. So they've got plenty of money. It's not like we're flush are are not like we're we're low on cash. No. We have cash. Right. There are resources. The problem is is that we have a county that is stuck in the nineteen eighties. That's the truth. I'll tell whoever that to their face. Y'all know it as well as I do. We have a county whose policies are stuck in the nineteen eighties. We need to evolve there. There is no reason why Galveston County Sheriff's Department or law enforcement in Galveston County should not look like a Metropolitan city with the best equipment, the best resources, the best manpower, the best pay and benefits. Okay? But there's just a a a a small piece of the of the community that wants to keep it the way that it always has been. We can't do that. We don't live in the nineteen eighties anymore. We don't live in the nineteen nineties. We don't even live in the early two thousands. We have to evolve with it. I would like to see Galveston County for as much emphasis as they put on m h m r having a a a a division within m h m r that treats their own. Or at least on con the county on contract has a therapist or whatever. For these procedures? Yeah. Yeah. Because let's go back to Coolies. Otherwise, otherwise, I can tell you what happened when the when this commanding officer told me you you will go to seek account. This is after the shooting. Yeah. Well, you get two visits free. After that, you have to pay for it through your insurance. Right. Why do I have to pay for it? Yeah. I mean, seriously. This is work related. Yeah. This is work related. I mean, I'm not trying to be chicken shit here, but I work for you. Yeah. This is not your responsibility. Right? And and that's what people miss. You know, listen, don't have all the answers. No. I don't have all the answers. I just I lead with my heart, and my heart sometimes gets me in trouble because sometimes what's in my heart comes out of my mouth. Right? Yeah. And a lot of people don't like it. But at the end of the day, my dad taught me a long time ago when I was a kid. He worked at Houston Lighting and Power. He was the lead consultant for a very long time. And there was a bunch of ladies. I can remember them like it was yesterday. Janie and some of the other ladies there, And I'll never forget my dad always telling me. And and and I'm just assuming that he used to always tell me, at some point, when you get to a position of where you your, you know, every senior in the in the company or have your own company or It's important how you treat people. It's important how you treat people. If you treat people right, they're gonna treat you right. And and do a better job and do a better job. And because here's the thing, I can't do everything on my own. I you need other individuals to help prop you up, and then you help prop them up, and we help each other. Mhmm. Whether it be in our work, whether it be in our personalized, whether it be in our church, whether it be whatever we do. We need each other. Right? You can't do everything by yourself. And It it it absolutely drives me insane to see that we are approaching the year twenty twenty four. And we still have not realized that within our own community that the people that protect the community We're not taking care of them. We're not taking care of them. I mean, for Christ's sake, we just heard you said you responded to a a vehicle accident where your mother was killed, you processed the scene and there was never any type of mental health intervention. And and, well, I would so I would've been working in the capacity of a medical examiner's office. Now getting to what we're talking about. Right. Those doctors or the text, they see pretty much what I see. Yeah. With the exception of the damage, let's say a car Right. Or let's say a suicide or let's say a homicide. They're only seeing the body. They're not seeing the spatter. Yeah. Everywhere or they're not seeing the women from the trauma that caused that. Right. They're not seeing the scene. And and I'll give you a good example. Are the, the medical examiner now, in Galveston County. She was on scene with us at, the Santa Fe School shooting. I was gonna lead right into that. So go ahead. Yeah. And she went to that debrief class like I did afterwards. There is no doubt in my mind. Alright. Look, I'm a cop. I'm trained to read people's demeanor and the other. I could tell that it affected her. Every one of those people including the teachers There when we got there to do what what we had to do, every one of them had eyes wide open in shock like this. Like and that's how they were hit. You know, with their eyes like that every one of them I'll never forget that. So when I'm leaning over to get pictures of the face and all this other kind of crap, I'm looking in the the dead eyes of a person. It never hit me until later. You know, I've got attached to do. I've got a job to do. Put your shit aside and do your job. That's all great and good. It's what's after is what we need to talk about. We need to get help for the military for first responders for anybody. I mean, somebody that works for a company could be driving down the road and see a terrible accident, and they're just totally affected. Mhmm. My daughter saw one in front of her house. This is before I retired or in the front of the neighborhood, where this young man was on a motorcycle, and this drunk come out of Taco Bell right there across from the dog track. And, you know, hit the motorcycle, and she said, dad, dad, I was sitting right there in the drive through. I saw it. Please come here. Well, I was at her house at the time. So I drove out there every bone in this man's body was broken. You know, I mean, every bit of it, and my daughter saw that. Is that traumatic to her? Because she came out with me when there were several people trying to help this guy. And my daughter was there too, and I'm thinking this has got to affect her too. Of course. The rate definitely has. Yeah. And she never got the counseling that she should have, not on the state's fault. I think more so on my daughter. Right. But Yeah. Something has to be done about mental health. Yeah. It's I I I I thank god that I did not pull the trigger. Yeah. On myself. Mhmm. I I am. I'm glad you didn't either. I've got a good life right now, buddy. Yeah. I I met a wonderful Christian woman. And I wasn't getting married again. I was not even I was done with women. I met this woman and she has completely. I always had the foundation of Jesus Christ. Mhmm. I always did. But since I've been retired,